It’s great if the in-laws themselves put up boundaries. But if they won’t; it’s up to their grown kids to do it and enforce them.— Phil McGraw
Don’t Become Monster-In-laws – Be Better In-laws
The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law has always been an intense and ubiquitous topic of discussion for everyone. Whenever there is an article about a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, our mind wants to dig in and hear some sort of spicy gossip. Believe me, and we find it intriguing 9 times out of 10. Sharing an unpleasant relationship with in-laws is a bitter fact of society, especially in Asian countries.
Most of the time, I think that is why these both important pillars of a home become monsters after marriage??? We all know that no one can keep their home united in peace and happiness except a woman. But, somehow, the equation gets changes as the bride enters her in-law’s house, so the question is, why is this so? Let’s try to figure out the reason behind this unhealthy relationship between these two women along with the man over whom all this has started!
Who Is Important? Mother Or Wife?
The mother who loves to see her son happily married gets changed soon after his marriage; even begins to doubt her son’s love. And this changed behaviour of hers indicates something is cooking… So, what could be the reason? Although these two females have their own importance in the family, none can overpower them―so is it the game of ‘who is important’ or something else? Believe it or not, in this catfight, the husband or the son turns out to be the main sufferer. For him his mother and wife both are equally important; he can’t say out loud that he loves whom more than who, because he doesn’t, and this should be understood by these women who claim to love him more.
You Were Also A Daughter-In-Law Once
A daughter-in-law is one who marries your son and becomes your friend.
Don’t forget you were also a daughter-in-law; how can you not see things? You were in the same shoes long back ago, isn’t? The feelings of a newlywed bride are always the same; they can’t be changed; who can know this better than you? Your son’s wife has entered a new life―left her parents to live with a new family, and above all, you are much more experienced than your daughter-in-law. Hence, you must be supportive of her rather than being hard on her.
Besides being unhappy or rude or creating chaos, try something positive, and give a good ambience to your daughter-in-law. Don’t fight over petty issues; this guy who is your son is indeed yours only (be sure about this fact, have some belief in your parenting; you haven’t raised a weak man, he is your son, and he will never ditch your love, have some conviction on him and on yourself). But this is also a fact that now he is married, he has a life partner, and he too needs some space to build a healthy relationship with his wife.
Like you two, he has also started a new life; he has to share his life and himself with another woman. And for all these, he needs a peaceful, happy environment at home. So besides being tough, it’s better to support him and his wife. Don’t think much just do it, and you will never lose your son ever. You are the elder of the family you will always be respected; no one can snatch this crown from you.
Also Read: To be compassionate to others is a noble quality. You should also be empathetic to your daughter-in-law if you want the same in return.
History Will Repeat – So Be Genuine As A Daughter-In-Law
A mother gives you a life, a mother-in-law gives you her life.― Amit Kalantri, Wealth of Words
No, doubt, you have left your comfort zone to be with a new family, but you must be responsible too. You are going to be a part of a new family; you, too, have to open your heart wider. It’s not your husband, only whom you are going to care about. You have inherited his family too with him, so do care about them and their feelings too.
Never forget one thing, history repeats itself; after 30 or 35 years, you could or would also be in the same situation as your mother-in-law is now. Fighting with the same emotions as she is currently going through. No one can love her child as the mother does, and none can deny this fact. So, think once, isn’t this tough for your mother-in-law to share her son with you? Believe the fact it’s hard her for too. You have left a family to build a new family, and she has to share her heartthrob with you in the same house. Trust me, and this isn’t easier for her, either! When you were not with him, it was his mother who had taken care of him and had raised him as a good man whom you selected as your life partner. Isn’t this a great gift from her to you?
So, it’s your duty to give your mother-in-law confidence that you are not going to take her son away from her. You can tell her the difference that he is your husband later but her son first. Believe me; you can do it; just be observant, calm and loving.
Also Read: There is no better way to spark friendliness than to offer some gifts. Send your mother-in-law some thoughtful gifts to show that you care.
You Are Their Biggest And Honest Support – Be Fair!
Happy is the son whose faith in his mother remains unchallenged.― Louisa May Alcott
The root cause of the disputation between these two important women in your life is ‘you’. Yes! You, so you have to be the man who can bring peace by giving an end to this tug-of-war. Since day one, you have to be sure how to balance these two important relationships, as you, too, are stepping into a new life dealing with two families altogether. So, try not to be judgemental and blind by any prejudice; before any verdict. Listen to both sides if confused, and take advice from your father, friends, other family members or in-laws. Don’t be judgmental or a finger-puppet of anyone. Neither your mother nor your wife should pull your life strings or be a guide to tell you what to do or what not?
Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.― Zig Ziglar
So be strong because it’s you, only you, and it’s your key responsibility to make a good balance between your mother and your wife. Be clear, don’t favour anyone, nor suppress your wife, know how to handle the existing problems, and make a clear line from day one so that you can’t suffer later. If you find you can’t handle the situation, don’t overwhelm yourself; talk to your parents clearly, and ask them for a solution. In a family, it’s always better to talk instead of keeping things in your mind and hurting yourself. With a clear mind, you can make the relationship flourish like a tree.
Whatever I have suggested above is purely for the trio – the son/husband, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. Now, for a happy marriage, some steps are to be taken by the family before and after the marriage; let’s see what are they.
Say No To Over-Expectations – Although It’s Hard To Say ‘No’ To In-Laws
In Asian countries, traditions are different; marriage is said to be a bond between families too. And for the sake of a happy wedding celebration, they start to exchange gifts, sugar-coated words, and fake promises; by doing this, they raise the expectation bar higher for each other. The edge of the groom side is higher in Asian countries, especially in countries like India, Pakistan, and Nepal. So, the bride’s side always has to make endless efforts to make the groom’s side happy. This is wrong, entirely wrong. This thought must change now. We are living in a democratic country where we are born with the right to equality, so how can we give preferences?
Your Daughter Is Your Responsibility
You should know the fact that you are giving your daughter to another family. It needs a big heart to do, but as it is a common practice or tradition, so families have easily adapted to it. But this doesn’t mean that you are saying yes to the dowry system, expanding your expenses beyond your reach just to satisfy your daughter’s in-laws. Don’t raise their expectation higher; set some boundaries, or else trust me, no one is going to suffer except your daughter. Marriage should be based on simplicity and honesty, comprising love and acceptance. If you want to do anything for your daughter, search for a good man and a loving family for her.
You Must Change Yourself For The Betterment Of Your Son
Time has changed; those were gone days now when girls were less educated than men and were meant to be working with household chores only. Now people have started believing in girl education; parents are spending on their girl’s higher education. On the other hand, every in-law wants an educated and working bride for their son, along with their over-expectation of gifts and acknowledged as the upper hand. But don’t you think you are thinking irrationally and unreasonably? It’s high time to end your over-expectations. You and your daughter-in-law’s family are both equal. So try to bridge the gap and build a bond as a big happy family to live happily ever after.
Pieces of Advice are easy to give and tough to follow. So, whatever I have written is a positive way to cultivate a good bond between in-laws. Now my last point is especially for the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law; let’s have a read.
Don’t Entertain Interference From Others
The relationship between these two women can get tangled more if they allow others to interfere in their life. Be sure about one thing, the bond between you two should be purely yours. No one from either side can brainwash you.
If you are a mother of a daughter, you should know how to connect the dots. Sometimes, a mother does what her daughter asks her to do; this is not right at all. You shouldn’t allow your daughter to interfere in the matters which are meant to be between you and your daughter-in-law. If you want peace in your family, it is best to keep these women separate in your life. Both have their own importance in your life, and both want your love and care. And if you are in such a trap, just take a nudge, wake up, seize and retain the balance which can help you to live in joy instead of being fueled by prejudice.
Now, when you have become a crucial part of this new family, the first thing you do is to stop taking pieces of advice from your mother, even for a minor thing. It’s better to ask your mother-in-law if something is about the kitchen or home improvement; it will help you to make your relationship stronger with your mother-in-law. If you find your mother’s interference can shake your new home’s roots, then it’s again high time to create the right balance. You are living with a new family, so the question is – who can decide better than you? Take the thing in your hand when it comes to in-laws and say goodbye to unnecessary counseling from others.
So, these were some of my viewpoints on this topic to look out for the situation, I am not saying that this is the perfect solution to sweeten the relationship, but at least you can try and take a step for something good. It’s not always the same every time; every case varies; in some, the mother-in-law is the culprit and in some, she is innocent and vice-versa with the daughter-in-law. It’s all about sensitivity and understanding; it’s about how good you are as a person. And do you really want a peaceful life and a supporting happy family? If the answer is yes, then try to do your best to live the relationship with your in-laws in tranquillity? Life is short, so live it with harmony and peace. Being good in-laws is a must instead of being monster-in-laws.
Also Read: Both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law need to come on the same ground. Respect is important in every relationship. You both should respect each other and yourself.
Hey Shilpa, very well written, the way you categorised the relationships and balanced the equation is cool, I have read many article on this topic, but your is matured one, it is practical and anyone can follow it without much effort, only thing we need is right mindset and pov 🙂 keep writing and can we share our views on this blog, as I see you are founder of this blog, so I guess best person to ask out!
oh! we loved your appreciation, yes you can write and share your views, contact us via the contact form, we will get back to you.
Thank you so much, Niharika. I am genuinely amazed and love to see such positive responses from our readers. Although I am not a writer, I just love to express my views, and I did. I never thought in my dreams that this article would be one of the most liked and read articles on our site 🙂
Woo! something new 🙂 HEY Admin! You have a different point of view on this matter and that's good. My mil is good to me, ALSO, I am kinda possessive for my hubby but your article is an eye opener for me. I will ask my hubby n MIL to read this interesting point of you 🙂
Thanks, Aaniya 🙂 Do share this with as many people as you can if it helps to spread positivity.
Interesting read, writer has tried her best to balance the trio relationship💏 🙂. Family is important for everyone and this article has shed bright side of relationships and how to live and cope as leaving or bickering can't solve anything.
Positively & balanced writing, but not possible, being independent financially has changed the outlook… It's like a fairytale..
Nina, I believe nothing is impossible; you have to change your outlook to bring some change in life by welcoming positivity and peace.
Thank you for your insight, Garima. I indeed tried my best to write from my point of view as I find one thing, with fight, hatred and enmity nothing is going to solve, with peace and love one still has some chances.
Wow! What a balanced article, usually whenever I read articles on this topic, they are kinda biased one, but you have tried your best to point out the flaws in all these 3 people and tried your to pull out the best in these 3. At first, it felt that this is quite a long article to read, but when I started to read it when it ended, I didn’t realize even. Do write such unbiased articles on various topics, Shilpa ji.
Thanks, Nainaji, for your honest feedback and motivation. We all are human being with endless emotions, expectations and flaws. Working together in unity is the only solution within a family to get over any issues, as you can't remove your family from your life. Therefore, I believe to bridge the gap between family members is the best way to live life.
Thank you so much, Naina Ji, loved your feedback, sure I will try my best to write on other topics too 🙂 I, too, noticed this article is a bit long, but sometimes to express your inner emotions, you need words 🙂
Interesting but nowadays, things are changing, the definition of Mother-in-law as depressing women in home has changed, I can see many homes around me including mine where daughter-in-law has broke everything, they just don't care about anything, no lihaaj, no nothing, now they are dominating and sons of these days change immediately after marriage. My daughter-in-law treats me life a maid, all the time I have to take care of her two kids, cook food and she doesn't value it, what will you say about this?
I know one thing, everything depends upon the individual, there are no such things mil or sil, it's just the respect and care and how much peace you want in your life, girls are trying to break the taboo but they are themselves going cruel with their inlaws
So sorry to hear this, Aruna Ji. Although I can’t feel the same you are going through, but I can try to relate a bit, and what your daughter-in-law is doing is certainly not fair. Still, please try to talk to your son and daughter in law, maybe talking can resolve or help you take some positive steps.
Time has changed or we can say consistently changing. Now Mother in laws are tensed and scared of daughter-in-laws. These two relationships can never be better because it’s the women who torment women more than anyone. Perspective has to change, live and let others live.
I agree time is changing, but we are strong women, and we can do anything, so why can’t we sit together to resolve issues? So true, it’s all about perspective; we need to change it.
Family is something you can't fight with, and in-laws are those whom you can't change, family drama is everywhere and mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws equation you will around the globe, it's just not Asian countries only. I like the way you have tried to come up with the best versions on in-laws but tell you Girl, women are women, they dig pit for each other! This cat fight never gonna end this sooner. Living in a distance is the only solution,
Thanks, Rebecca, for your insight on this; living apart can give short-term peace, but being family, we are connected one way or another, and issues can’t be solved unless we try living naturally in peace and harmony.
lovely read, well written, felt like it’s so easy to mend and live with in-laws… nothing is impossible when you are willing to live happily with your family.
Thank you, Jannat, really appreciate your comment. I am a believer of positivity and karma, life is too short to hold grudges, so live with some good deeds must be the motto…
Heart touching ❣️ read, I read above some of the comments, you said, you are not a writer but the way you have tried to spread positivity within these relationships is commendable ❤️
Thank you, Aria, you comments really means a lot 🙂
Loved the writeup ❤️
Thanks Annie 🙂